All this talk about Marriage.

Just got off the phone with moms and it’s the same conversation every time we speak. Sometimes it ends on a good note, other times I get reminded of how overly ambitious I am and how if I am lucky, I just might get somebody to put up with me lol. I’m tempted to tell her she dunno wahs going on.

Mom: How far? Do you have any gist for me?
Me: What kind of gist? What do you mean?
Mom: You know what I mean.
Me (Fully aware of what she means but wanting her to spell it out): I don’t know oh.
Mom: You know exactly what I mean.
Me: I really have no idea. Please tell me oh so I’m sure we’re talking about the same thing.
Mom: Okay. I’m tired of waiting. What is happening? When are you getting married?
Me: Uhhh you do realise I won’t get married to myself or be the one to pay for my bride price right?
(Then she goes quiet)

This is the same conversation, over and over again; different days, different format, same message.

First question I actually wanted to ask her was “what makes you think I want to get married?” To be honest, this is a question I haven’t been able to answer truthfully. Do I really want to because it is what I want or because it is something everyone and even the society expects of me? Because they think, “well, you’re of age, get on with it already”. Some people would ignorantly point out “start giving birth early o before you clock 30”, as though women have an expiry date. Isn’t that just sad?

I don’t think our parents realise that this question might have a certain kind of effect on us. Here we are, trying to make ends meet, fighting for our daily bread, working to actually understand ourselves better, while still struggling to stay afloat — because let’s face it: we find ourselves sad, wake up sad for no reason at all and even when things are going exactly how we want them to, most of us are still depressed. IT IS A JUNGLE OUT HERE! I’m not saying they did not experience this in their time, but come on, it’s different now if we’re being honest, there is a lot we have to deal with now that they did not in their time.

Then, it was okay to get married at a very young age even if you had nothing going for you, but this is the 21st century. Women are fighting for equality and while they are at it, they are being Presidents, CEOs, Oil Moguls, nobody wants to be just a “housewife” anymore.
Also, there is more to life than being married and having kids. Imagine bringing kids into this world before being able to completely fend for yourself and then not being able to take care of them, that is just unthinkable, and outright irresponsible.

We have different dreams now. Some of us want to discover our potentials, and find out what we are capable of before settling down. And contrary to popular belief, we still have time. As long as we’re alive there’s still time. Why rush into getting married? Why rush into making a decision that would completely change your life forever? Who would blindly rush into that? Definitely not me!

As a woman, you need to have a means of livelihood, you need to have skills that bring in enough cash to cover your expenses at least. As my friend would say, “a woman needs to be able to afford the lifestyle she wants and if a man comes along, then it is an added advantage, not a source of income and if he doesn’t, you still end up living your best life”. I agree! Why rush into something you would probably be in for the rest of your life? Why be a part of someone else’s life when you haven’t exactly figured out who you are, or what you actually want in life?

Can we also talk about how weddings are for the parents? They want to show off to their friends, probably make others jealous because their kid who “nobody” thought would get married or amount to anything finally snagged a husband; phew… the irony!

After the grande wedding, you’re left with your decisions — you finally did this, made them happy, but then you’re left with the aftermath of that decision; are you able to live with this person for the rest of your life? Are you able to put up with their little habits that drive you insane? Are you able to?
Let’s assume that you are, one year down the line, family is back with the “so, when am I getting a grandkid?” question, with the most innocent smiles on their faces as if they don’t know what they are doing. Do you get where I am headed with this? Bend now, and you will continue bending for them. You can’t satisfy everyone and that’s okay because I don’t think we can ever get it right with our parents, so you have to do what’s best for you every time. Always choose you!

All I’m saying is, never let anyone rush your timeline. Take as much time as it takes to be a better version of you, to discover yourself. Take as much time as it takes to find happiness by yourself because my darling, you won’t find happiness, healing, or wholeness in that marriage. It is not a rehabilitation center, nor a bed of roses. Some people are of the idea that they can discover themselves together, as a couple. Possibly, but what about you first, have you discovered yourself before trying to discover yourself along with somebody else?

I wish I could talk further about what puts me off about this institution but I wouldn’t want a family intervention haha. All I’m saying is, find yourself before finding a better half — two whole persons make an ideal relationship because then you would be able to actually give and put in the work. Nobody wants to be giving 80% on a steady. What happens when they’re all out and need to be refilled?
Don’t allow anybody rush you into making decisions you’re not ready for. Take as much time as you need.

Go flourish and live a beautiful life.

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